What is Romantic Love?
Written For a Philosophy Class Exploring Love and Friendship
“To love is to will the good of the other” (St Thomas Aquinas, Summa Theologica, Volume 1 Cosimo, Inc) says the great St. Thomas Aquinas, and in this statement he lays a true foundation upon which love in all its forms can thrive. According to the Greek philosophers love comes in eight forms, Agape (Unconditional Love), Eros (Romantic Love), Philia (Friendly Love), Storge (Familial Love), Mania (Obsessive Love) Ludus (Playful Love), Pragma (Enduring Love), and finally Philautia (Self Love). If we are to agree with St. Thomas Aquinas’ statement, then, when looking at the eight forms of love one cannot help but notice types of love which may not match up with Aquinas’ statement on love. It can therefore be said, in light of the wisdom of the Angelic Doctor, that there are true forms of love and that there are false forms of love.
If we are to go by what Aquinas says, then true love seeks the good of another outside of itself. True love must humble itself to serve for the good of the beloved. Using the eight forms of love listed above, we can categorize primarily “true” forms of love and primarily “false” forms of love. We can say with a high degree of certainty that Agape, Eros, Philia, and Pragma are indeed primarily “true” forms of love which often seek the good of the other. While Mania, Ludus, and Philautia can be seen as primarily “false” forms of love which can often corrupt true love.
In answering the question “what is romantic love?” These ideas set out in the paragraphs above can make for a good starting point. The Greeks would categorize romantic love as Eros. “To have Eros is to have sentiments, lust, and physical affection. The Greeks were afraid of Eros because they believed that it is people’s instinct to breed and conceive babies, and this instinct is so strong that it would cause people to lose control. Nowadays, people yearn and want Eros even though this love does not always last. Others would argue they would not be in a relationship with a partner without Eros or at least they would not be in a satisfying relationship.” (“Love According to the Greeks: Which Types Are You and Which Types Do You Want?” Vma-site)
Eros reveals that romantic love seeks fulfillment in another person by caring for and cherishing them through deep sentiments, emotions (namely lust) and physical affection. Romantic love seeks the good of another in that it causes the individual to care for an individual other than themselves and, as noted in the paragraph above, romantic love often leads to the creation of new life and the beginning of new family units which further draws an individual's love away from self and towards others in the familial love known as Stroge (namely their spouse, children, and relatives). This love also seeks the good of the other in that it causes an individual to seek provisions for the security of the beloved via good food, proper housing, nice clothing, etc. One could say that this kind of love is at the very root of what drives the economy. Is it not for the benefits of spouse, children and family that so many venture off each day to work, to shop, to save and spend?
Yet romantic love does not always last. Aaron Ben‐Ze'ev writes “The connection between romantic love and time has always fascinated lovers, who ask themselves whether their love will endure always and forever. And if it does, will it be the same as it is now? Will there still be traces of the initial infatuation after a few years have passed? Will the wonderful feeling of not noticing how time passes be replaced by boredom and the sense that time hardly moves?” (Aaron Ben‐Ze’ev & AngelikaKrebs. Love and time) Looking back at the list of false forms of love (Mania, Ludus, and Philautia), we may name them as culprits in the act of dampening the spark of that enduring love so many lovers seek in their respective romantic partnerships.
In an age where the ego is constantly put on a pedestal and glorification of self is at an all time high, we must examine Philautia as a primary culprit against Eros. Philautia in its true form is a healthy self preservation, knowing when to rest and take care of yourself. But in its false form it is the vice of pride, vanity, and selfishness, itt seeks to use the other person as a vehicle for its own self fulfillment and pleasure. Self Love is often at the root of the decline in Romantic love. In an age of Self Love how can we return to a true Eros?
Susan Wolf writes “One might see one’s emotional attachment to another person as a sickness or a curse. But such an attitude would be in tension with caring about the other for her own sake; it would be incompatible with wholehearted love. If one genuinely cares about the other person, in other words, one not only feels pleasure at her well-being, it seems right to one that one should do so: one takes her existence and her flourishing to be good in itself. That is, one values the beloved; one regards her life (or her memory, if she is dead) as worth preserving and protecting.” (Susan Wolf, “Love: The Basic Questions,”) Wolf reminds us of the basics of true Eros. To seek the good of the other wholeheartedly. Too often we are afraid of losing ourselves in love. Yet love is the very place where we can begin to truly find our real selves.
True Eros is so valuable to the human experience. It causes societies to flourish, economies to boom, religions to be renewed, and new arts to be created. The decline and fear that grips our modern age is rooted in this lack of true Eros and over abundance of false Philautia. We need only to turn on the news and listen to the presidential candidates of this coming election to see how far this age of false self love has gone and where it is taking us.
Bibliography
St Thomas Aquinas, Summa Theologica, Volume 1 (Cosimo, Inc., 2019). pg. 740
“Love According to the Greeks: Which Types Are You and Which Types Do You Want?” Vma-site, (November 21, 2019) https://www.drvernitamarsh.com/single-post/2019/11/20/love-according-to-the-greeks-which-types-are-you-and-which-types-do-you-want.
Aaron Ben‐Ze’ev & AngelikaKrebs. Love and time pg. 2. The Oxford Handbook of Philosophy of Love (2018). pg. 1
Susan Wolf, “Love: The Basic Questions,” in Christopher Grau and Aaron Smuts, eds., The Oxford Handbook of Philosophy of Love, (2018), pg. 9 www.oxfordhandbooks.com
